My Villain Origin

I haven't always had this dark sense of humor, there was a time when I had hope and believed in love.  Thinking back on those days, I feel naïve but back then ignorance was bliss.

When I was in my early 20s, I had a few relationships.  There was cheating, heartbreak, tears, etc. but nothing compared to the man that set me on this path.  He was THE ONE, I thought.  I fell head over heels in love with him.  The one that took away every memory of anyone in the past.

I met this man, we'll call him "The Cop", through a mutual friend.  She thought our personalities would mesh and they did instantly and we were as inseparable as we could be living 100 miles apart.  About six months later he asked me to move in with him.  I started looking for jobs and within a couple of months, I found one.  A fresh new beginning, new love, new home, new career.  Life could not get better.

No one really knows anyone after 6 months, I know that now.  Moving in was a catalyst for the end.  Three main issues came to light: a bros before hoes attitude, his addiction to porn, and an unwillingness to communicate and compromise.  Every argument, they started coming shortly after I moved in, was about one of these three issues.  The Cop didn't grow up in a traditional situation.  He met his father in his 20s, his mother worked at a bar growing up and sold drugs, his brother struggled, and because of all this he had a high attachment to friendships.  He grew up feeling like his family was hard to trust but that his friends would always be there.

The first issue to come to light was The Seal.  His friend who was ten years younger, he treated him like a little brother, he was living in San Diego and had a girlfriend that lived near The Cop.  The girlfriend lived at home with her parents so The Seal wanted to use our home to hook up and have sleepovers with his girlfriend.  While The Cop was home, it was fine, but a change in The Cop's schedule left me home alone nights and weekends when The Seal and his girlfriend wanted to use the house.  I felt uncomfortable to say the least, in addition they would often use our home to make food and leave behind dirty dishes, there was also a time when The Seal was drunk, threw up on the carpet, and left it.  I know The Cop didn't respect my position in his life and I know I should have walked away.

The office was the next issue.  I noticed a change in intimacy, which can be a natural thing to happen in a relationship.  But I grew increasingly suspicious with what The Cop was looking up online.  It turned out that he was watching porn everyday and our sex life had diminished to almost nothing.  I felt inferior, unattractive, unwanted.  It tore down my self-esteem.  Talking about it was not an option for The Cop.  He just didn't want to hear it and was not going to change.

He wasn't willing to compromise on anything.  Talking to him would lead to 3 days of silence before we could ever have a conversation.  A year later, we were worn down.  When I moved in we talked about our future all the time.  How we both wanted marriage and kids and how me moving in would start everything.  We talked about where we wanted to get married, what our song would be, my hopes and dreams were built.  And then he decided to sell the house and it sold quickly.  Cash offer, out in a month.  We moved in with a friend and then that's when it happened.  He met another woman on a work trip and cheated.

I found out when she messaged me on Facebook.  She was suspicious of him when she saw he had two phones, which I had no clue about.  She looked him up on Facebook and saw tons of pictures of us at a friend's wedding just the weekend prior.  She sent me a picture of them that looked like they had just gotten out of the shower.  I was beyond hurt, no words can describe how I felt.  If you've never been through something similar you just can't understand.  I sent him the picture the girl sent me and he had nothing to say.  I was devastated, angry, sad, and I still loved him, love isn't a light switch.  But I had to toughen up and eventually a new me was born.  The villain I am today.             

 

@mytraumawearsprada New post on My Trauma Wears Prada: https://mytraumawearsprada.blogspot.com/2022/11/my-villain-origin.html #datinginyour30s #datinglife #ihateithere #brokenheart ♬ original sound - Alisa